As a human who lived in the cohabitational prison that is a dormitory for several years, my re-acclimation into the real world has been punctuated by stumbles and glories… who are we kidding? It’s mostly glorious to be out of such an athletes’ foot-ridden, stupid messy girls, holy smoke why would anyone skateboard up a wall kind of life! One of my most recently discovered freedoms is candles. Tall candles. Small candles. Scented Candles. Colored Candles. I have become a classy home-maker pyromaniac in the past several months.
In my new enlightened state, though, I remain the ditz I have always been. I leave the house to go do adult-y things like running errands, eating with friends, going to work and it hits me! Did I remember to extinguish my home-making pyro display before I left the apartment? When the answer might be anywhere from a slightly plausible ‘no’ to a ear-splitting ‘YES, YOU IMMATURE HUMAN!’ the immediate paranoid spiral of every fire safety program from elementary school begins.
The whispers of every cuddly forest fire critter remind you that an unattended flame will definitely lead to apocalyptic conditions. The tables quickly turn on this new-found freedom. I am longer Suzie Home Maker dabbling in pyrotechnics… no. I’m now the sociopathic neighbor that burns down the subdivision for some sick form of enjoyment!
Logic really has no place in incessant fire safety lectures in a mind. I mean I know such a tiny flame looks so innocent in its Yankee Candle jar and decorative shade when I sit next to it for four hours. Nice dinners, discussions, any ambience your heart desires. You have successfully contained a life force! Go you!
But unattended for four hours?… Well who knows what kind of destruction could unfold in my absence! I can only imagine it’s some sick form of Toy Story – except now it’s not cute and friendly toys springing to life. It’s nasty, horrible, life forces prepared to conquer and doom the home you have decided to make with your naive, Pinterest-ridden hands.
Okay so maybe the cat hasn’t been converted to fire worship quite yet.