The Identity Vest


I feel like every single time I have to go to a government office (DMV, Social Security, Post Office) I need to prepare for apocalyptic scenarios in which all other official government departments “poof.”

to poof (v.): [puf] to vanish without warning; to become remarkably and inexplicably unhelpful; to simply stop working as it has for your entire life

Their websites always tell you what kind of documentation you need. For example, you may need your license, birth certificate, and one piece of mail. That piece of mail should be from one of three different companies. If you do not subscribe or rent from the above companies, please jump up and down 3 times and produce a receipt from you local lending library…

It’s gotten to the point that I now carry every single form of identification I can muster: Passport, License, Social Security Card, Student ID, lease, work contract, wedding license, immunization records. I really feel like they should offer one of those nifty vests like the hunters wear for all the different kinds of ammo and tools.

“Aha! You thought I didn’t have my original birth certificate, but I do… and three copies in subsequent pockets! I have outsmarted your most cunning red tape story of all time!

The goal after using THE IDENTITY VEST then would be to run home as quickly as humanly possible and avoid all potential fires and/or explosions and/or rain storms. Taking out all forms of existence in one swoop is not advised.

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